Fathering My Son, Fathering My Self

Tonight at dinner, son was emotionally dysregulated and started striking out at one of his older cousins after the cousin nudged him. They were twice his age and he, being an impressionable young boy, wanted so much to be accepted by them. After continually being teased and taunted by them over dinner, he lost it.

Son is sensitive like me. I remember so clearly wanting to be like the older boys, but only finding myself bullied by them, ganged-up against, jeered at, made fun of. At some point in time, I turned towards girls and identified with them instead.

That is not going to happen to son. I will not allow it to happen. He will be affirmed in his maleness. He will be given every chance to know and be proud that he is a boy in the image of the man whom he looks up to: Me. His father.

I intervened in the situation. It was very hard. The boy who taunted and nudged son was the child of my abusive (now dead) brother. I had to pay attention to soothing my own inner boysoul while at the same time father both kids who physically and emotionally looked and felt like my elder brother and I did at that age.

I made them apologize to each other. Son was too emotionally upset to apologize. I asked his cousin, who being much older, offered a good apology. (Whew!) When son refused to apologize, I offered a threat of punishment in addition to a delayed apology. He finally apologized but was still deeply upset.

Then, I took him home where I talked to him privately, helping him to identify his feelings and what to do in the future when older boys whom he wants to play with are mean to him. After that, we spent the rest of the night reading a book together in bed.

Son fell asleep on my bed. As I picked him up and carried him to his room, he said aloud in his dream: "...that's because I have the best dad in the whole wide world!"

:thought-pause:

Although I'm still a little shaken from the episode, knowing that I can make a difference for my son in a way that my father never did for me makes me feel a little more healed somewhere deep inside.