The Next Five Weeks

The next five weeks will be a time of testing for me.

I have felt God telling me that it is time to journey into manhood in a kingly way (reference: The Way of the Wild At Heart).

The next five weeks will be a time to exercise staying close to God so that I can continue to (1) master my temper and remain calm and objective, (2) be very disciplined and productive, and (3) avoid sexual temptations.

The only way this can be done is that I stay very, very close to God at all times. To practice God's presence.



Five weeks.

Anxiety and Sexual Release

I'm not an expert on violent crimes, but the image of someone in pain does not turn me on as it does the rapist. Anger does not propel me to want to torture someone else sexually. I can't imagine having an orgasm when I am angry.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is turning out to be a consistent pathway towards a strong felt-need to have sexual release. Anxiety, combined with not having had much sexual release, turns my groin into a time bomb.

tick... tick... tick...

I remember in school when I used to write tests that I was going to flunk. I could bring myself to an orgasm within minutes before the class bell rang and I had to hand up the test. The emotional tension combined with a bit of physical pressure worked like a charm every time.

Last week, the prospect of meeting someone I didn't want to meet caused me to objectify him sexually. I fought the urge and didn't succumb to that temptation. Upon meeting him, the entire "attraction" dissipated. I don't have the slightest desire to fantasize about him sexually now. Looking back, I realize that I was afraid of him at some deeper level, and that anxious feeling wanted to be addressed through sexual release.

Now, I'm grappling with serious work deadlines. This entire morning has been fraught with desires to masturbate, to fantasize (even about women), to look at porn.

This is clearly a sexual dysfunction.

Anxiety is anxiety. The years of getting tension-relief through masturbation have created in me unhealthy, dysfunctional, unholy pathways.

Scripture tells me not to lust sexually (Matthew 5:28). It also tells me to cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me (1 Peter 5:7). Put these two ideas together and the solution is obvious.

I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet
And anytime I don't know what to do
I will cast all my cares upon You

Fathering My Son, Fathering My Self

Tonight at dinner, son was emotionally dysregulated and started striking out at one of his older cousins after the cousin nudged him. They were twice his age and he, being an impressionable young boy, wanted so much to be accepted by them. After continually being teased and taunted by them over dinner, he lost it.

Son is sensitive like me. I remember so clearly wanting to be like the older boys, but only finding myself bullied by them, ganged-up against, jeered at, made fun of. At some point in time, I turned towards girls and identified with them instead.

That is not going to happen to son. I will not allow it to happen. He will be affirmed in his maleness. He will be given every chance to know and be proud that he is a boy in the image of the man whom he looks up to: Me. His father.

I intervened in the situation. It was very hard. The boy who taunted and nudged son was the child of my abusive (now dead) brother. I had to pay attention to soothing my own inner boysoul while at the same time father both kids who physically and emotionally looked and felt like my elder brother and I did at that age.

I made them apologize to each other. Son was too emotionally upset to apologize. I asked his cousin, who being much older, offered a good apology. (Whew!) When son refused to apologize, I offered a threat of punishment in addition to a delayed apology. He finally apologized but was still deeply upset.

Then, I took him home where I talked to him privately, helping him to identify his feelings and what to do in the future when older boys whom he wants to play with are mean to him. After that, we spent the rest of the night reading a book together in bed.

Son fell asleep on my bed. As I picked him up and carried him to his room, he said aloud in his dream: "...that's because I have the best dad in the whole wide world!"

:thought-pause:

Although I'm still a little shaken from the episode, knowing that I can make a difference for my son in a way that my father never did for me makes me feel a little more healed somewhere deep inside.

2010

2010 is the year where I embrace Godly humility in a way that I have never understood before.

I feel God may be telling me that humility is a very important aspect of manhood, but I'm not sure yet quite how those two ideas are connected to each other.

Mulling over this: Jesus' entire ministry is based on humility.

⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
(Philippians 2)

...

Reading The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey. May put up thoughts as I read through it.

Only You Can Lift Me Up

Dear Lord,

As I continue to deny my flesh by filling up my hunger spiritually instead of sexually, I am made more and more aware of how much I need You. I can't possibly do anything apart from You. You are my source of strength, my portion, the lifter of my head.

I come before You in reverent submission, deeply aware that any purity I experience is not my own but enabled only by Your grace.

O Lord Jesus, receive the glory that is due Your Name. Receive my praise! I can only feel whole when I sense that You accept my worship; when I sense that You are pleased with this small sacrifice of praise that comes from my eternally grateful and humbled heart.

Self-Control

Sometimes I get this aching in the loins. This longing in the pit of abdomen that is somehow connected to the genitals. This aching-longing that demands satisfaction, sexual satisfaction.

Okay, I'll fess up. I'm having that feeling right now.

I wanted to have sex with the wife tonight. But she was too tired. Pity Party Me would go seek out porn and masturbation as a way of release. Even though I no longer find nude guys alluring, I'd probably end up there by way of habit. Feed off on the "camaraderie" of it even if I no longer need the "embrace." I just can't bare to get hooked onto women--way too dangerous.

Maturing Man Me says to reach out. Deny the impulses of the flesh and make some genuine connections. I've gone for months without porn or masturbation before, and I was fine. I can do it again.

Somehow, no friends are around on the internet to connect with. :-(

And so, Maturing Man Me tells me to choose the right course of action. Spend some time in Bible reading, prayer, and journaling. That pit-of-the-abdomen hunger can be satisfied spiritually as well sexually. If sex is not an option, then deny sex for prayer.

1 Cor.7:5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


Interesting. Satan tempts me because of my lack of self-control. Self-control. Now that's something I haven't studied much of in Scripture, but I know it's all over Scripture.

...doesn't it say in Galatians that one of fruits of the Spirit is self-control?

Yes, Galatians 5:
- Love
- Joy
- Peace
- Patience
- Kindness
- Goodness
- Faithfulness
- Gentleness
- Self-Control

By avoiding porn and masturbation, I am exercising self-control.
By choosing to reach out in spiritual communion with my brothers-in-Christ, I am exercising self-control.
By turning my attention from satisfying my hunger sexually to satisfying it spiritually, I am exercising self-control.

God is so good to me that He gives me this "sexual hunger" for me to exercise spiritual self-control.

---

[Edit] Wow... just realized that it's also in verse 8 in the preface post I made.

Preface to the Next Chapter

I preface this next chapter with a text from Scripture.

To Elders and Young Men

¹To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed: ²Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; ³not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. ⁴And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

⁵Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." ⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

[1 Peter 5:1-11]